N15m Scam! Jim Iyke Fires Back

The war looming between Nollywood actor, Jim Iyke and Habiba Abubakar over an alleged 15million naira scam against the actor may degenerate into a full blown one if things are not quickly dealt with.

Just on Thursday, Nigeriafilms.com published an apology documents indicating that Jim Iyke begged to get the case off his hook in court rather than his claims that it was out of court for lack of evidence.

Also, when Nigeriafilms.com contacted his manager, Omar Oyin Bala, he claimed that those documents may have been forged by Habiba to rubbish his boss in public.

Two days ago, Jim Iyke took to his usual platform, Twitter to lash out on Habiba and others. He started with this tweet, "many thanks to my family, friends and fans for forging virtues in me I didn't have. Thanks to haters too for the absolute conviction, failure wasn't an option."

Tweeting further, "it is my vent as well as therapy. I'm going to do five Michael Blackson's inspired shout outs and five 'who am I' inspired game questions. Enjoy!! Lol! Ok! Ready? Five shout outs! Lol!

He sarcastically started his shout out this way, "1. Shout out to the bleached psychopath from the North that went and got a tummy tuck and breast reduction to boost her external low self esteem.

2. "Shout out to all d socio-paths that came on to hard working brothers with bogus business formats then resort to blackmail when they don't get laid. Wtf! Lmao!

3. "Shout out to the creeps that turned my age to a guessing game. Keep speculating, but will never get it because you all are so dim 'witted'. The joke is on you retards!

4. "Shout out to that fag nigga 'bdemmy' (Bidemi) and the other 'he b**ches' at the bottom of the food chain with jokes about debt. It is business b**ches! get off my di*k! No homo.

5. "Shout out to my fake-ass colleagues and friends that smile in my face and stick a stiletto in the small of my back! My name's still IKECHUKWU!

6. "The last and by no means the least. Shout out to TeamJimIyke and all my true fans out there. Without you, I'm nothing! I love you all ferociously!!

"Phew! That felt so good finally! 'My body don com down.' Certain truths had to be told. We continue with 'who am I' tomorrow. Goodnight folks! Lol

With Jim Iyke's outburst on some certain sets of people, one cannot denied the fact that this might just be the beginning to more dirty fights coming up soon.

Do we called this WWF Wrestlemania?

Do You Believe Jonathan Is Soft On Fight Against Corruption?

From what millions of Nigerians all over the world believe concerning the issue of corruption in Nigeria, his excellency the President and commander in chief of armed forces is handling matters too soft, most people believe he is not playing hard balls and that that is the reason why fighting the demon down to its kneels is currently not aimed at. Here is what he has to say concerning this issue:
The statement:“The Presidency has noted with concern, recent reports, comments and agitations aimed at creating the totally false impression that the Jonathan administration is not doing enough to curb corruption in Nigeria.
“President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan clearly enunciated his administration’s zero tolerance for corruption on his assumption of office and has since worked to strengthen the nation’s anti-corruption agencies for greater efficiency and effectiveness.
“Certainly, nothing has been done or left undone under the President’s watch to justify the labelling of his administration as ‘soft on corruption.’
“He has appointed a tried and tested corruption investigator to head the EFCC. He declined to swear in a nominee for the chairmanship of the ICPC when questions were raised by the public about the propriety of his nomination and clearance by the Senate; and recently nominated a more acceptable replacement.
“Much of the politically-motivated agitations alleging tardiness in the war against corruption revolve around the administration’s handling of the reports of probes that have been undertaken into the management of fuel subsidies in the country.
“President Jonathan wishes to reaffirm, once again, that there will be no sacred cows in the matter and that any organisation or individual found guilty of fraud or corruption will ultimately face the full weight of sanctions prescribed by the extant laws of the country

Housewife dies in hotel room during sex

A middle-aged housewife, Bilikisu Muyideen, died during sex with a man identified as Wahab Adesina at Yemetu, in Ibadan North Local Government Area of Oyo State.
The man was said to have taken the woman to a hotel around Yemetu when the woman suddenly slumped and died a few minutes after entering the room.

Nigerian Tribune gathered that the illicit affair, which had been on for a while, blew open on Wednesday night when the woman collapsed and died.
When the Nigerian Tribune visited the area on Thursday, nobody was ready to give details of what happened between the two love birds.
A source disclosed that it was shocking news when the news went round that the woman, identified as Iya Ojo, died in a hotel room.
The source said that the matter was immediately reported at the Yemetu police station.
According to the source, the love birds were not husband and wife.
When the Nigerian Tribune visited the police station on Thursday, the man had been detained.
The Police Public Relations Officer (PPRO),  Olatunji Ajimuda, who confirmed the incident, said it was not a murder, since the woman died before the man could ‘touch’ her. He, however, said an autopsy would have to be

Victor Moses Welcomes Liverpool Offer

Victor Moses has opened the door for an offer from Liverpool FC – but Wigan Athletic would strongly rebuff any move if the Reds acted.

The 21-year-old has a year remaining on his contract at the DW Stadium and is reported to have said there are “links” between himself a host of Premier League clubs, including Liverpool.

Champions League winners Chelsea had a bid of between £3-4m rejected earlier this month, with Latics chairman Dave Whelan reacting angrily to an offer which is some distance off his valuation of Moses.

However that remains the only firm interest at present and sources close to the player have confirmed to the ECHO that Moses has received no contact from Anfield, as of yet.

It is unclear if Reds’ manager Brendan Rodgers is targeting the wide man with the club, understandably, reluctant to comment on any form of transfer speculation with countless rumours doing the rounds in pre-season.

Although Moses’ stock has risen rapidly over the course of last season, Wigan classed Chelsea’s bid as ‘out of the blue’ and at present are not expecting to receiv e anymore offers, it is believed.

However Moses has welcomed the idea of one of England’s top clubs showing interest in him and earlier this week he said: “I don’t know for now [whether I will move], but there’s a link for me to Liverpool, Chelsea and some other clubs in England,” Moses is quoted as saying. “If the offer is cool, why not, I will move.”

With only 12 months remaining on his contract, Wigan are ready to stand firm on Moses.

Although they have offered the player improved terms, which would see him double his wages, Athletic could let Moses complete his current deal and still receive payment for his transfer because he is under the age of 24.

If Wigan and Moses’ new club could not reach an agreement on his valuation, then it would be set by an independent tribunal.

Wigan have slapped an £8m price tag on the player they paid £2.5m to Crystal Palace for his services in January, 2010.

Victor Moses Welcomes Liverpool Offer

Nigeria Athletics rules Africa

New Delhi 2010 Commonwealth Games champion, Ajoke Muziat Odumosu opened the flood gates of gold for Nigeria in the final day of the African Championships.
It was an evening Nigerian officials, looked forward to a rush of medals and the athletes were favoured to win  gold after their semi-final performances did not disappoint.
In the first event of the day, Ajoke proved too strong for the 400m hurdles contestants as she established an early lead from the 200m mark, she held on and coasted home without much challenge to finish 54. 99 seconds, Hayat Lambarki of Morocco finished second with 55.41, while Liberia’s Rasin McIntosh placed third with 55.99.  Ajoke who won at the Nairobi 2010 championships stated after that the race that she was pleased with her performance and was hopeful of making an impact at the London 2012 Olympics.
Equally excited was Gloria Asumnu, who had to fight off stiff competition from compatriot Loretta Ozoh to clinch the women 200m gold. Asumnu powered off at the final bend, but her finishing was almost letting down as Ozoh chased her down, they both breasted the tape at 22.93, but Asumnu took the race having dipped just as Ozoh was catching up.
Noah Akwu took the bronze in the men’s 200m won by Ivory Coast’s Ben Youseff Meite with a time of 20.62 seconds. Amr Saoud of Egypt was second with 20.76, while Akwu finished 20.83.
The Nigerian women 4x400m quartet put up a brave performance and set a new championships record. It was a crowing display by the team featuring Abinuwa Enduracne, Omolara Omotosho, Margaret Etim and Bukky Abogunloko. They totally overwhelmed other competitors, and despite the hot chase by 400m world champion, Amantle Montsho, there was no stopping the Nigerian girls, they finish 3 .28. 07 seconds, to improve on their ranking on the top 16 list of qualifiers for the Olympics. Botswana was second with 3.31.27, while Senegal was third with 3.31.84.
The Nigerian men also put a commanding performance and have booked a place for the London 2012 Olympics.  They Finished 3.02. 41 to the gold beating Botswana to second position.
On the field shot putter, Vivien Chukwuemeka trampled down her opponents to announce her return after a two-year ban. Looking fit and strong Chukwuemeka demonstrated that her reign in the African continent was far from been over when she heaved 18. 86m on the fifth throw, to shatter the 18.33m African record, she established in 2006. She also booked a ticket to the London 2012 Olympics Games.
Chukwuemeka was followed by compatriots into the medals podium. Chinwe Okoro 16.21m and Omotayo Talabi 15.63m ensured that Nigeria took all the spoils in the shot put.
Overall, Nigeria emerged champions, reclaiming their first position in track and field that they had lost some years ago following the decline in the sport. Now, they are winning and AFN President said “we can only give glory to God.”
Below is the  medal table for the top three countries.
Country Gold Silver Bronze Total
Nigeria 10 6 5 21
Kenya 9 9 9 27
South Africa 6 10 8 24
Senegal 3 1 2 6
Botswana 3 1 0 4
Algeria 2 3 2 7
Morocco 2 2 3 7
Tunisia 2 1 2 5
Ghana 1 2 2 5
Ivory Coast 1 1 4 6
Uganda 1 0 1 2
Burundi 1 0 0 1

Nigeria Athletics rules Africa

Tottenham make a big mistake to sack Redknapp – Jordan

Harry Redknapp’s former right-hand man Joe Jordan has slated the decision to axe the ex-Tottenham manager, as the White Hart Lane club prepare to replace him with former Chelsea boss Andre Villas-Boas.
Redknapp, Jordan and fellow assistant Kevin Bond where shown the door after Spurs failed to qualify for next year’s Champions League and Redknapp was unable to negotiate a new contract.
And Jordan feels the sacking of 65-year-old Redknapp along with himself and Bond is premature and came as quite a shock.

“Not for the life of me did I think I would go off on my holiday and return to find my contract had been terminated,” the Scot said. “You look to improve and we would have.
“I didn’t see it coming. When I left White Hart Lane on the final day of the season I was looking forward not only to the next season – but also the Champions League.”
Spurs were in trouble at the foot of the Premier League when Redknapp replaced Juande Ramos as Tottenham boss, and within four seasons he had the club in the quarter-finals of the Champions League and bidding for the league title – before their challenge faded away in the latter part of the campaign.
And Jordan believes Redknapp had lined up a couple of new acquisitions that would take the club back into the Champions League, after being denied their place after Chelsea’s Champions League victory in May.
“I think Harry had his eyes on one or two players who he thought could improve the team,” the 60-year-old added.
“We improved in each of the seasons we were at Tottenham. Harry would have got the players he wanted and we would have progressed further.”

U19 Champions League to begin in 2013

From 2013-14, a new dimension of competition will be added to the Champions League, Uefa has confirmed.

The organisation has revealed plans to create a U19 variant of Europe’s elite tournament, which will run throughout the club season. The competition will rival the NextGen Series, which was founded in 2011 and has an age limit of 18 years.
Each of the 32 clubs that qualify for the Champions League proper will be invited to send a team to compete at under-19 level.
The youth tournament will not exactly mirror the senior competition, however: the knock-out matches will be single-legged, while both the semi-finals and finals will take place on neutral territory.

Covenant University produces 88 first class students

Ota (Ogun) – Nineteen-year-old Wukeh Egem-Odey on Friday emerged the overall best graduating student of the Covenant University, Ota in Ogun in the 2011/ 2012 academic session.

Egem-Odey is among the 88 first class students produced by the university in the academic session.
The first class students were among 1,389 persons conferred with various degrees at the university’s seventh convocation ceremony at Ota.
The Vice Chancellor of the University, Prof. Aize Obayan, said that 10 of the graduating students were less than 19 years old.
Obayan said that 646 of the graduands had second class, upper division while 576 graduated in second class, lower division while 79 received third class degrees.
The vice chancellor said that the institution’s School of Postgraduate Studies graduated a total of 89 students out of which 70 had master’s degree and 19 PhDs.
Obayan said that the university had, in its first 10 years of existence, laid a solid foundation for raising a generations of new leaders.
In his address, the Chancellor of the University, Dr David Oyedepo, decried the heightening insecurity in Nigeria and appealed to the Federal Government to address the problem urgently.
Oyedepo said that young Nigerian graduates were ready to shun the National Youth Service Corps scheme because of insecurity.
“Everyone today can see that the greatest threat to our nationhood is the ongoing mass killing and attack on churches, since December, 2010, which has claimed over 1,500 souls and left many wounded.
“The state of insecurity in our country today seems to have defied all logical approach but it remains a duty to stamp out this ugly situation from our country before it claims further casualties,’’ he said.
He pointed out that standard of living in the country was declining because of insecurity, regretting the increasing unemployment in the country, saying that about 40 million youths were jobless or underemployed.
“We can only make a loud call for a ‘stop and think’ approach because we need intellectual bravery in our universities if we must attain relevance and secure our environment for peace and progress.
“We desperately require the right kind of education that will culminate in the emergence of the right kind of leaders and promote the right values,’’ he said.
Oyedepo told the graduating students to be of good behaviour and to contribute their quota to national development.
A former Minister of Education, Dr Obiageli Ezekwesili, said there was an urgent need for African countries to bridge the productivity gap between men and women through institutional reforms and effective public investment.
She said that women had poor access to education and skill acquisition opportunities.
Ezekwesili said that empowerment of women to participate actively in a modern society would enlarge the scope of human capital that would power economic growth.
“Every society that disrespects the right of women to access basic services ignores their right to participate in the decision-making process in the family and the general society,’’ she said.
Ezekwesili advised the graduands to be focused in the pursuit of their visions.
Responding on behalf of the graduands, Egem-Odey pledged that they would be among those to improve Nigeria’s economic fortune.
Egem-Odey, an accountant, said that Nigeria had the potential to compete favourably with great economies but needed to strengthen various institutions to achieve the feat.
On his achievement, he said: “I denied myself comfort and pleasure which a lot of our youths are not ready to do.
“I wish to advise those looking up to me to place emphasis on long-term plans and proper execution in order to soar,’’ he said.

Rivers State University of Science and Technology To Admit Only Students With Complete O’level Results

The Management of the Rivers State University of Science and Technology, RSUST has unanimously decided to grant provisional admission opportunities to only her prospective students with a complete Ordinary level result who passed their post UTME.
The decision was reached as a proper check to ensure that only qualified candidates will be allowed entrance into the university beginning from 2012.
The management therefore wish to inform all students who applied for admission in RSUST using awaiting results to make haste and provide the result before the admission process, as failure to do so result to automatic disqualification even if such candidate scored well in the UTME and post UTME.

Federal Polytechnic Bida 2012/2013 Post UTME Forms on Sale

The Federal Polytechnic Bida Niger state has commenced the sale of its post ume form for 2012/2013 academic session.
The forms are obtainable from banks withing the school locality, instructions for registration is also given to candidates at the spot of purchase.
The sale started earlier this week and will close on 9th July 2012 to give way for the screening exam that will take event between 11-12 July in the school campus.
Candidates who made Federal Polytechnic Bida their first or second choice in JAMB and scored 160 and above in JAMB are welcome to apply for the 2012/2013 post UTME Screening.

Moshood Abiola Polytechnic 2012/2013 Post UTME Registration On-going

The Management of Moshood Abiola Polytechnic, Abeokuta will on Monday, June 25th 2012 (tomorrow) commence the sales of admission forms for her 2012/2013 post UTME screening exams.
The Polytechnic has set a minimum of cut-off mark of 160, for both first and second choice candidates that have interest to study in the school.
All candidates are advice to start visiting the Moshood Abiola Polytechnic MICROFINANCE BANK as from Monday.

 Moshood Abiola Polytechnic 2012/2013 Post UTME Registration On-going

Fuji musician ,Sunny T is dead

Popular Fuji musician, Sunny T is dead.
The songwriter-performer, who became wildly known in the 90s as ‘omo nna to’n ko fuji (the Igbo man who plays Fuji – a predominantly yoruban music), died this morning, according to his label boss Sarolaj, who spoke with NET.
Sarolaj (also known as Tunji Sarumi, who owns Eru Owa records, perhaps Nigeria’s most successful and enduring fuji label), says The late Sunny T performed in Epe on the outskirts of Lagos last Friday.
‘He was very Okay’, he told us over the phone. ‘He even performed on Friday and came home yesterday. He woke up around 4:30am today, he complained of cold, and asked to have some warm water to bathe with.’
‘He went into the bathroom, but came out without having his bath. The he sat on the bed ans started breathing hard’. Sarolaj said
We’re told he was rushed to the General hospital in Ikeja, Lagos, where doctors attended to him, before he passed on.
‘He was a young man who had been with me for decades. He release his first album with me and we are still working together. This is very sad and shocking’, Sarolaj tells us.
We could not immediately speak with any familiy members.
Sunny T Adesokan we’re told, is survived by his wife and kids. His last album ‘Capable, was released in August 2011.

BET names Wizkid and Sarkodie ‘Best African Act’

Ayo ‘Wizkid’ Balogun has won the award for ‘Best International Act: Africa’ at the 2012 edition of the BET Awards! The Nigerian pop act jointly won the award with Ghanaian rapper Sarkodie at the awards ceremony taking place at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, California on July 1, 2012. The EME act and Sarkodie had faced tough competition from other nominees – Nigerian rapper Ice Prince, Kenyan Hip-Hop/R&B group Camp Mulla, South African singer Lira and French speaking Malian rapper Mokobe for the coveted Best African Act prize. ‘Thankful!‘, an excited Wizkid tweeted. This isn’t the first time the Best African Act award will be jointly won. Last year, African pop giants D’banj and 2face came out tops and received a joint award prize in the same category. Wizkid also won the MOBO prize for Best African act in 2011.

Faze joins 2face at Now Muzik

Former ‘Plantashun Boy’ Faze has joined the league of artistes been managed by Now Muzik, Nigeria’s leading artiste management outfit.
Efe Omorogbe, CEO of Now Muzik, tells NET exclusively that the 35-year-old singer has been with the label for a while now.
‘He is now officially an artiste managed under the Now Muzik management team. Faze has been working with us for a month now. The deal was signed late last month. Our outfit will now manage his shows, as well as promote his career. It is a three year contract, and Faze as an artiste is signed under his own label, just like 2Face runs Hypertek.’
Orji ‘Faze’ Chibuzor, who is currently working on a new album, joins the likes of Sunny Neji, TWO, 2face Idibia, JMartins and Timi Dakolo who call Now Muzik home.
His fourth album will be released under his own record label, Independent Entertainment in July.

Lamboginny involved in a Car Accident

Yinka Lawanson, popularly known as Lamboginny of the ‘Say No To Crime’ Initiative, was involved in a car crash in the early hours of Saturday, June 30, 2012.

The musician was returning from the Nigezie Relaunch Party held at Club Rumors on Friday, June 29, 2012.

Speaking to NET about the accident, Lamboginny said he left the first party and was on his way to another event at Chevron Estate. ‘I took the Eko Bridge, though late, I wasn’t speeding. There was this car that was driving side by side with me for a while. I just realised suddenly that the car swerved his hand towards me unexpectedly. I tried dodging but unfortunately for me, the car hit the culvert and went to the other side of the road. My car went left and right four times, before it eventually stopped…I thought I was already dead, because I didn’t believe what happened. I was bleeding profusely from the nose, as the clothes were dripping with blood’.

He says a good samaritan helped him out as the person who caused the accident left the scene. ‘I was lucky enough to be saved by a young man named Uche. Uche took me to the General Hospital Lagos Island where treatment was administered to me. The doctor said there was no need to keep me in the hospital since drugs had been given to me. It was later that I realised that my car was still left on the Eko Bridge, I told Uche to accompany my friends to pick up the Toyota Camry car’.

The Honorary Nigerian Prison Officer thanked God for sparing his life ‘I really appreciate God for this, because sincerely, with the way I was bleeding after the accident, I don’t know what would have happened’.

Lamboginny constantly works with youths and helps with the re-integration of freed inmates into society.

Timaya’s Upgrade- Different cloak, same swag [Album Review]

 

Album- Upgrade

Producer – Yung D

Record Label- Dem Mama Records

Number of tracks- 14

Year of Release- 2012

Has Timaya changed? This is the question you might ask yourself when listening to his fourth solo album Upgrade. The music warrior from the creeks of the South-South has ‘upgraded’ his sound, trading in K-Solo’s ‘tinkolo’ beats for Yung D’s Euro-pop influenced instrumentals, although on his third album De Rebirth he also employed the services of various producers. The relatively new producer is the sole beat maker behind Upgrade. The one-producer format has worked well for Timaya over the years, and on his new LP, it’s no different.

The album’s singles ‘Sexy Ladies’ and ‘Bom Bom’ reveal the album’s stylistic leanings – ghetto and lewd chants over Euro-Pop beats. Timaya’s brother-in-arms in terms of sparse lyrics, Terry G, makes an appearance on ‘Malonogede’-a gospel-influenced track dedicated to ‘enemies.’ Timaya goes for the lewd on ‘Go Down Low’ where he chants ‘fun mi doggy/fun mi doggy…baby girl do the dutty/make me want to ejaculating’ while ‘Bobby’ is a party track whose hook is targeted at women’s mammary assets.

One of Timaya’s finest moments on Upgrade can be heard on ‘I am sorry’ in which The Egberi Papa 1 of Bayelsa opens up and admits that he has done his girl wrong. ‘Girl I’ve not been good to you/I’ve been rude to you/disrespecting you-not been true to you/girl I’ve been cheating on you/ doing bad things to you…Ohhhhhhh girl, I’ve been messing up lately I know’ sings Timaya on Yung D’s Reggae instrumentation. Another shot at another love song ‘Love and friend’ goes awry.

Ever the controversial act, Timaya has on the album a song called ‘Illuminati’. Instead of creating a dark song with weird sounds and demonic chants, Timaya crafts a bouncy song that addresses the rumour that his wealth is from the notorious occult group which has permeated pop culture within the last few years.

The album has its share of duds. ‘I have it’, ‘Club on fire’ and ‘Good life’ featuring Vector weigh the project down. ‘Good life’ with a forgettable chorus and cheesy rhymes (my money smelly smelly/I’m cruising my Bentley/my girlfriend hot like she fight like Jet Li) is unfortunately the LP’s closer. Fortunately, Timaya adds the remix of ‘All the way’ featuring Attitude which bolsters Upgrade.

As the saying goes, ‘The more things change, the more they remain the same’- Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr.

On this LP it is evident that while Timaya has upgraded his sound, his content is still the same. This is not a total overhaul. If True Story, Gift and Grace and De Rebirth ran on Timaya Version 1.0, Upgrade runs on Timaya Version 1.5 instead of 2.0. The artiste tweaks a few things here and there but still leaves some bugs in his system.

Gas Emission

There was once a
very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas.
Since she came from a generation when people didn’t even talk about
this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20
minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office,
leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her
how he could help.
“Doctor,” she said, “I have a very bad gas problem.” “A gas problem?” replied the doctor.
“Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and
his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh…silent gas emissions.
“Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.
“Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you’ve got to help me! What can we do?”
“Well,” said the doctor, “I think the first thing we’re going to do is give you a hearing test!”

Gas Emission

Attention

A boy named Samuel came to school and his teacher said Sam pay attention and instead of complying he said Ma i will not pay attention and the teacher asked why he simply answered  that i am not owing any attention.

Attention

CHEESE MINE

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The
three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to
reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms
and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind
and tells them, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and
‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out
with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says “How well can you do?”
“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says….

Liver alone. 

Cheese mine.

The wise Drunk

Three drunk guys stopped a taxi, and d driver sensing they were drunk starts the engine and turned it off without moving an inch, and he said “we do reach o”.
The first guy gave him money, the second guy said “thank you”, the third guy gave the driver a dirty slap. The driver was surprised thinking the third guy had realized the trick. So He asked “what was that for?” the third drunk guy replied “Control your speed next time, you almost killed us”

The wise Drunk

Clean Salad

One day a mother sent her child to wash salad, and said wash it very clean  the child said no problem after 5 min she came and said she is done  and the mother asked did u wash the salad very very well the child answered, yes i even use Open and apply Jik to some places

Question Tag

Teacher: Our topic for today is question tag…
Example 1: You have a bag, haven’t you?
Example 2: He can’t come, can he?
Now Who can make a sentence using question tag?
Chidi: we go chop yam today, chopn’t we?
Teacher: what?? This is terrible! Who can correct that sentence??
Johnny: Aunty no mind dat yamhead! we go chop yam today, yamn’t it??

Experienced John

A teacher told the class that 2 plus 2 = 4.John got up and say is a lie.The teacher said that i have been teaching since five years so i know what am saying.John replied that i have been in this class since seven years so i know what am saying too.

Pet Names

couple decided to call each other pet names
and the wife said, “I’ll be calling you TIGER”. “Why?” he asked. “Cos
u’re handsome, tall, charming, strong, calculating, and very smart.
She then asked him, “What will u be calling
me?” He said, “Zebra”. The lady still smiling seductively, “Wow, that’s
lovely & sweet. Why did you choose such a lovely name?” “Because of
your STRETCH MARKS.

Action Aid Massive Recruitment

ActionAid is an international anti-poverty agency working in over 40 countries, taking sides with the poor and excluded people to end poverty and injustice together. It is registered in Netherlands as a federation of affiliate programmes and commenced operations in Nigeria in 1999, through a Country Agreement signed with the National Planning Commission of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

ActionAid Nigeria is registered with the Nigeria Corporate Affairs Commission as a national organization, and an affiliate of ActionAid International. We work partnership with civil society organisations, community based groups and social movements. We also collaborate with government agencies and support them to deliver on their obligations to the poor and excluded. We do these through service modeling, capacity building and policy influencing. Our core interventions areas include; women, education, health, human security, governance, food & agriculture.

To effectively strengthen our policy advocacy, campaigns and communication work and consolidate on our country strategy, ActionAid Nigeria is inviting applications from qualified candidates to fill the position of:

1. HEAD, POLICY, CAMPAIGN AND COMMUNICATION

PERSON SPECIFICATIONS
EDUCATION/QUALIFICATIONS
• Degree in Social Sciences, Arts or Humanities is essential.
• Masters degree in Social Sciences, Arts or Humanities is essential.

EXPERIENCE
• At least10 years working experience preferably in the social development field is essential
• At least of 5 years experience in a management position, preferably heading a unit focused on advocacy and campaign initiatives is essential.
• Experience in working with civil society organisations, social movements and the media is essential
• Experience in fundraising and donor funds management is essential

SKILL/ABILITIES
• Excellent oral and written communication skills is essential • Excellent conceptual, analytical, documentation and presentation skills is essential
• Excellent Skills in networking, policy advocacy and campaign work is essential

PERSONAL QUALITIES
• Strong commitment to human rights and socio economic justice and proven track record of policy advocacy and popular activism. • Able to work effectively in a diverse team environment
• Willing and able to travel

METHOD OF APPLICATION
All interested candidates should complete the application form accessed from
www.actionaid.org/nigeria and send as an attachment to vacancy.nigeria@actionaid.org. Only Electronically submitted forms will be entertained.

ActionAid offers competitive terms of employment. Applications from women are particularly welcome. Applications are also particularly welcome from candidates living with HIV/AIDs (PLWHAs). HEAD; POLICY, CAMPAIGNS & COMMUNICATION

APPLICATION_FORM.DOC
www.actionaid.org/nigeria/jobs/head-policy-campaigns-communication and send an attachment latest 9^th July to: vacancy.nigeria@actionaid.org

Career jobs in conglomerate Company

We are a Group of Companies spread across Africa with Business interest in the fields of Sea and Canned Food Distribution and Aquaculture. We have urgent need largely due to business expansion to fill below vacancies. Expatriates with work experience in Africa can also apply for senior positions through Email address provided below
Locations include: Lagos, Agbara, Badagry, Abeokuta, Sango Ota, Ibadan, Ogbomosho, Port Harcourt, Aba, Benin City, Warri, Koko, Jos, Kaduna, Kano, Oshogbo, Ilorin and Abuja.

1. SENIOR ACCOUNTANTS, BANKING OFFICERS, ACCOUNTANTS, AUDITORS

REQUIREMENTS
-          B.Sc / HND Accountancy Chartered Accountant (ICAN, ACA, ACCA, etc
-          3-5 years and above in a well structured organization.

1. LEGAL PRACTITIONER.

REQUIREMENTS
- LL.B, 5 years and above since called to Bar, Knowledge (Speaking & Understanding) of French is mandatory.
- Ability to manage the Legal Unit of a Structured Corporate Organization very necessary.

1. SAP HUMAN RESOURCES MODULE END-USER.

REQUIREMENTS
- Good knowledge of HR Module of SAP ERP Package,
- 2-5 years experience using SAP HR Module to process Employee Benefits and Compensation. – Knowledge of Tax Computation, Statutory payments regulations and processing mandatory.

1. ADMIN/HR OFFICERS:

REQUIREMENTS
-          B.Sc/HND BUSINESS ADMIN/SOCIAL SCIENCES
-          3-5 years for Admin Officers

1. SALES/MARKETING/BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MANAGERS/OFFICERS

REQUIREMENTS
- B.Sc/HND Business Administration, Marketing or other Social Sciences disciplines
- 3-7years and above experience for Sales/BD Officers and Managers respectively.

1. CASHIERS, DATA ENTRY OPERATORS

REQUIREMENTS
- B.Sc/HND Accountancy, Banking and Finance,
- 3-5years experience as a Cashier, Microsoft Excel.

1. STOREKEEPERS/ ASSISTANT STOREKEEPERS

REQUIREMENTS
- Receive goods into Cold Room Store to consumers Carry out rebaging process, monitor daily supplies and receipt from vessels, Stock taking and control.

1. IT SUPPORT ENGINEERS

REQUIREMENTS
- B.Sc/HND Computer Engineering, A+, CCNA, other Networking and Engineering Certification
- 3-5years Experience as Computer and Networking Engineer.

1. QUALITY CONTROL OFFICERS

REQUIREMENTS
- B.Sc/HND Food Technology, Laboratory Technology, etc,
- 2-5years experience in a food Industry.

1. ELECTRICAL/ELECTRONIC/AUTO& GENERATOR MECHANICS, CIVIL & STRUCTURAL ENGINEERS.

REQUIREMENTS
-          B.Sc/HND/OND in any of the above disciplines,
-           3-7years experience.

1. FARM SUPERVISORS, PROCESSING PLANT PRODUCTION SUPERVISORS.

REQUIREMENTS
- 3-5 years experience in Poultry Farm, Chicken Processing Plant.

1. VETERINARY DOCTOR.

REQUIREMENTS
-          2-5 years experience in Poultry or other Animals farm

METHOD OF APPLICATION
Email detailed CV.
For Nigerians: recruit.conglomerategroup@hotmail.co.uk.
And Expatriates: expatrites.conglomerategroup@hotmail.co.uk

Bristow Helicopters Currents Jobs

Bristow Helicopters (Nigeria) Limited is a leading International provider of helicopter transport and support services. The company especially values its ability to operate in demanding environment to the highest levels of quality and safety performance in flight and on the ground.

Bristow is seeking a well-qualified Quality and Safety Manager with a global outlook and the skills and technical abilities that are identical abilities that are critical to the company’s growth to work in Lagos, Nigeria. When evaluating candidates for the role, Bristow seeks those with:

1. QUALITY AND SAFETY MANAGER

REQUIREMENTS
-          Minimum of 10 years aviation quality Management System Management System experience

-          Proficiency in the concept and applications of Safety Management System (SMS)

-          Qualifications in conducting effective independent audits in accordance with the international standards ISO 9001

-          Experience in safety reporting and event investigations and conversant with Nigerian Civil Aviation Regulations (NCARs)

RESPONSIBILITIES
-          Manage and Supervise the Quality & Safety Department, and perform the day to day management of group Safety Management System including auditing, reporting and investigation functions

-          Liaise with aviation and other regulatory authorities and ensure approvals are maintained

-          Establish, implement and maintain Quality Assurance programs for flight operations, maintenance, crew training and ground operations

-          Define, Coordinate, implement and audit the SMS process and procedures

-          Ensure that operations and maintenance carried out meet the required standards

REMUNERATION
This positions attracts an excellent salary package
A career with Bristow offers the opportunity to work with great clients and some of the most highly regarded experts in the global helicopter service industry.

METHOD OF APPLICATION
To apply, please submit online application together with a covering letter and CV to www.bristowgroup.com/careers/position.php Closing Date: Tuesday 31st July 2012

Current Vacancies in Inan

We are a leading and reputable indigenous non-governmental organization implementing a comprehensive family-focused HIV/AIDS prevention, care and treatment in partnership with the different tiers of the Government of Nigeria at national, state, local and site levels.   In line with the broadened scope and objectives of our work, the need for increased staff capacity around new and enlarged areas of focus have emerged.  We therefore require the services of resourceful, experienced and dynamic professionals for the following positions

1. PHARMACY AND LOGISTICS ASSOCIATE

Location: GOMBE AND KOGI State

RESPONSIBILITIES
-          Plan and support the delivery of high quality pharmaceutical care services and the implementation of an efficient health commodity logistics system for the organization in accordance with donor requirements and stipulated guidelines of the Federal Government of Nigeria.
-           S/he will assist in managing the pharmaceutical care aspects of the HIV care and treatment program
-          Assist to develop work plans and activities in concordance with the Government of Nigeria’s stipulated guidelines/standards at all healthcare facilities supported by the organization
-          Tracking, monitoring and inventory analysis of all pharmacy stock employing the use of monitoring tools, spread sheets and data bases
-          Assist in periodic training of pharmacy, medical, nursing and counselling staff at sites supported by the HIV care and treatment program.
-          Prepare and submit periodic progress reports from the sites supported to implement the HIV care and treatment program.
-          The implementation of quality assurance/ management activities at sites being supported to implement the HIV care and treatment program.
vacancies
REQUIREMENTS
-          Registered with the Pharmacy Council of Nigeria
-          A minimum five years experience working as a hospital based pharmacist
-          Must have an above average knowledge of and experience with HIV care and treatment medication.
-          Must have previous experience working in a multidisciplinary team in a clinical setting.

1. CLINICAL SERVICES OFFICER – TB/HIV

Location: GOMBE, BENUE AND KADUNA
RESPONSIBILITIES
-          Developing and refining materials related to TB-HIV integration such as clinical guidelines, protocols, algorithms, drug formularies and training materials
-          Initiating and enhancing TB/HIV integration services at sites
-          providing training and clinical mentorship to facility staff on clinical management and integration of TB-HIV as well as TB screening
-          Multitask in other HIV/AIDS Clinical areas such as adult and paediatric treatment, palliative care etc
-          Training staff at DOTS sites on HIV counselling and testing
-          Developing and improving care and referral systems

REQUIREMENTS
-          Advanced Degree in Medicine or Public Health (MD preferred)
-          Robust clinical experience in HIV/AIDS care and antiretroviral treatment
-          Experience in managing TB patients and programming especially TB/HIV integration (3 years + preferable).
-          Excellent grasp of clinical issues and current literature in TB, HIV/AIDS and OI
-          Experience in developing country health care programs.
-          Experience with facilitating trainings using participatory methodologies
-          Excellent interpersonal skills.
-          Fluency in written and spoken English.

1. LABORATORY SERVICES ASSOCIATE

Location: BENUE AND CROSS RIVER STATES

RESPONSIBILITIES
-          The incumbent would provide technical support in the delivery of high quality laboratory services to health facility based sites
-          Assist in planning and coordination  of laboratory activities at sites in designated states
-          Developing laboratory capacity at designated sites through on-going monitoring and hands-on supervision
-          Training site laboratory staff on use of Standard Operating Procedures, job aids, log books, referral forms, etc
-          Ensuring the monitoring of efficient documentation of laboratory results at designated sites
-          Preparing periodic progress reports on laboratory services at designated sites
-          Maintain inventory of Lab store
-          Implementing and monitoring quality management/quality assurance activities.

REQUIREMENTS
-          Bachelor’s degree in Medical Laboratory Science
-          Valid Certificate to practice as Medical Laboratory Scientist is mandatory
-          2 years experience in a practical setting
-          Knowledge and experience in design, implementation and management of laboratory services in HIV/AIDS program asset
-          Medium- level computer skills in MS Excel, Access and Office
-          Excellent interpersonal skills

1. CLINICAL SERVICES OFFICER (PMTCT)

Location: KADUNA State

RESPONSIBILITIES
-          The Clinical Services Officer will provide technical support for multidisciplinary HIV/AIDS prevention, care and treatment, working with health facility based site teams to provide PMTCT services to pregnant and post partum HIV positive women and their babies
-          Planning, implementing and monitoring PMTCT activities at sites in designated states
-          Overseeing the PMTCT clinics at sites in designated states by providing on-going mentoring and hands-on supervision
-          Provide technical assistance to medical practitioners to ensure quality service delivery  to patients as part of site multidisciplinary team
-          Multitask in other HIV/AIDS Clinical areas such as adult and paediatric treatment, comprehensive prevention etc
-          Building site personnel capacity through training
-          Developing/strengthening plans for enrolling more pregnant HIV+ women in the communities into PMTCT clinics
-          Supervising data collection for monitoring and evaluation use
-          Integrating HIV/AIDS care and treatment into other Maternal and Child Health activities

REQUIREMENTS
-          Advanced degree in Nursing/Midwifery, Medicine,  or Public health
-          Substantial clinical experience in HIV/AIDS care and treatment
-          5 years experience in providing PMTCT services and or comprehensive Reproductive Health services
-          Excellent grasp of clinical issues and current literature in HIV/AIDS and PMTCT
-           Experience in training and facilitation
-           Excellent interpersonal skills
-           Fluency in written and spoken English

1. TRAINING/CAPACITY MANAGER

Location: Abuja

RESPONSIBILITIES
-          The Capacity Building Manager will be responsible for implementing a comprehensive institutional strategy in Human Resources for Health that addresses the link between Human Resource Management and Leadership to performance in FP/RH, HIV/AIDS, MCH, malaria and TB services
-          The successful candidate will provide candidate will provide organizational leadership in capacity building, leadership development and health system strengthening, including institutionalizing human resources for health activities by introducing HRH models at state/local government and facility levels
-          He/she will oversee the development, implementation and dissemination of state of the art practices to build the capacity of health institutions and scale up training of health workers
-          The incumbent will lead the organizational development process targeted at state and facility level to build required Human Resource Management and leadership capacity required in achieving sustainable and improved health outcomes in the target states.

REQUIREMENTS
-          Candidates should have Advanced degree in Economics, Business or Public Health  or relevant discipline
-          Minimum of 8 years experience  in a  training, program management  or organizational development  role in a similar setting
-          Excellent  understanding and knowledge of working in resource limited settings
-          Mastery of donor regulations especially US government funding regulations required
-          Proven strategic planner and team leader with strong technical knowledge, conceptual and analytical ability
-          Demonstrated strong written and verbal communication skills, including public speaking
-          Fluency in English.

GENERAL REQUIREMENTS
All positions require candidates that are proficient in the use of Microsoft Office suite of computer applications and Internet/ Emails.

Significant amounts of travel are required for all positions

Commitment to and understanding of Organization’s vision, values and principles including rights-based/gender approaches would be an added advantage.

Terms of Employment:

The organization offers highly competitive salary packages for all positions in the organization.  However, appointments for each of these positions will be subject to a probationary period.  Local terms and conditions are applicable.

Interested candidates should apply by email with CV and a suitability statement as Microsoft Word attachments to the specific emails indicated for each vacancy position (listed below) not later than two weeks from the date of this publication.
Positions and Respective Email Addresses:

1. Clinical servicer officer (TB/HIV), gombe; csotbhivgombe@yahoo.com
2. Clinical services officer (TB/HIV) benue: benucsotbhiv@yahoo.com
3. Clinical services officer (TB/HIV) Kaduna: kadunacsotbhiv@yahoo.com
4. Clinical services officer (PMTCT) Kaduna: kadunacsopmtct@yahoo.com
5. Pharmacy and logistics associate, gombe: pharmlogisticsassociategombe@yahoo.com
6. Pharmacy and logistics associate, kogi: pharmlogisticsassociatekogi@yahoo.com
7. Laboratory services associate cross river; labservicesassoiatecrs@yahoo.co,m
8. Laboratory services associate benue: labservicesassociatebenue@yahoo.com
9. Training/capacity building manager, Abuja: trainingcapacitybuildingmanager@yahoo.com

The subject of the email should be the POSITION title and the applicant’s full name e. g.   Human Resources Officer – Maria John.

Applications not sent in this format will NOT be processed.
Only short listed candidates will be contacted.

Oando- Latest Job Vacancy

VACANCY TITLE: BUSINESS PROCESS COORDINATOR
DEPARTMENT: Information & Technology
CLOSING DATE: Jul 10, 2012
JOB PURPOSE
To design and develop business solution using optimization strategies as well as identifying where technology can be used to reduce operational cost or enhance EBITA, ensuring the organization identifies and executes world class operational approaches.              
As part of the business process optimization team, the individual will be accountable for leading multifunctional teams within the business to deliver strategic business improvements.
RESPONSIBILITIES
Work with the business Entity and shared services heads to develop business solution to operational issues as well providing an associated cost or revenue benefit
Support in developing business optimization plan for each of the Entities and the group. www.nigerianbestforum.com
Mapping out and documentation of complex processes, to streamline the process reducing complexity using tools to define and highlight roles and responsibilities – providing clarity
To act as a Quality Assurance agent on all critical business processes within the entities and across the group.                  
 Carrying out business critical process audits to determine process failures with recommended actions
Developing detail execution plans taking into consideration project risk and critical success factors, to realize agreed solutions
Reporting project(s) progress at an executive level, highlighting support requirements to achieve the desired results.
Working with the BIM team to review software solution for business process operational issues
Working with the BIM team to managing UAT interfaces for successful implementation of new software and upgrades for process optimization.
Design and implement change management approaches including training and coaching methodologies to ensure sustainability of implemented solutions
Using innovation and industry best practice to develop continuous improvement strategies to deliver world class business / operational approaches to enhance Oando’s competitive advantage   Carrying out operational best practice research and its application across the Oando Group, Thus including specific entity requirement for the future
To coach and develop the process analyst to become execution specialist
QUALIFICATION AND EXPERIENCE
A good University degree in computer science and or business management, an MBA is desirable
5-7 year experience in business analysis / business optimization
Ability to travel and work at different locations.
REQUIRED COMPETENCIES     
 Excellent engagement skill at senior to lower levels in the organization.
 Excellent communications skills, ability to confer message via oral presentations or written reports
Proven analytical and problem-solving abilities
Able to develop execution plans based on clear and articulate solutions
Ability to re-engineer / optimize processes taking into consideration technology.
Ability implement innovative solution taking into consideration change management
Ability to manage and develop a team through mentoring and coaching
Good interpersonal skills.
Highly self-motivated and self-managing
Keen attention to detail.
Ability to effectively prioritize and execute tasks in a high-pressure environment.
Strong customer service orientation.
Experience working in a team-oriented, collaborative environment.
CLICK  HERE TO APPLY JOB VACANCY

Latest Nigeria Jobs

KCA DEUTAG is one of the largest drilling contractors outside the Americas. We are responsible for managing more than 100 drilling rig operations, both onshore and offshore, in more than 20 countries and are a world leader in the design and construction of drilling facilities.          
CHIEF ELECTRICIANS
Our aim is to be the preferred drilling contractor through measurable performance improvement.
We are committed to conducting our business in a way that promotes a positive, constructive and consistent KCA DEUTAG culture, with standards and methods of work that support this culture. “The KCA DEUTAG Way” defines the kind of company that we are and will continue to strive to be for the sake of our employees, our clients, the environment, and the society in which we operate.
CORE VALUES          
Our efforts will demonstrate respect for our people, the environment, the communities in which we operate, and ethical business practice as expressed by our commitment to our five core values:
Health and Safety.
Valuing All People
Business Ethics
Environmental Stewardship
Performance Improvement
We are known in our industry as an Employer of Choice – we know our employees and work hard to meet individual career aspirations. We invest in employee training and development, and provide competitive remuneration and benefit packages to attract new people to our business and retain our valued employees.            
We are currently looking for a high calibre experienced Chief Electricians to join our Land Rig Operations operating out of Nigeria.
Servicing and repair experience with PLCs, SCRs and/or VFD Drives.
Knowledge of hazardous areas equipment.
NEXT STEPS
If you are passionate about safety, can relate to our core values and believe you can support our commitment to delivering Safe, Effective and Trouble-Free Operationsthen we want to hear from you.         Job Opportunity
The “Apply Now” link below will allow you to register your details on our database and upload your current CV along with a covering letter.
For further information about our worldwide operations, rig fleet and other career opportunities with KCA DEUTAG, please refer to the Operations, Rigs and Career sections of our website www.kcadeutag.com
LOCATION: Nigeria
APPLICATION DEADLINE: 15 July 2012
CLICK HERE  TO APPLY FOR JOB OPPORTUNITY